Flight Attendant or Stand-up Comedian?

Standard Pre-Flight Procedures.
1. Please stow your tray tables and your seatback upright and most uncomfortable position.
2. Please be seated and wear your seat belts at all times the seat belt signs are on. Seat belts should be worn around the lap like Maria Carrie's mini skirt.
3. Although there are over 50 different ways to get out of your marriage, there are only 6 ways to get out of the flight in case of an emergency - two in the front, two in rear and two over the wings that are well lit by overhead exit signs and disco lights along the floor.
4. In an unlikely event that the oxygen masks should appear, after a brief moment of panic, please put the mask and breath normally, like this - "Breathes hard in and out twice on the microphone" . If there are people needing assistance, put on your mask first and assist them, unless its your husband.

While Taxiing.
5. One morning, when I was coming to the airport, a young lady came and asked what we would do first thing before a flight. I said, we come in early, get into the little room and dress up as flight attendants and we get to choose the best pilots for our flight. I always choose the best pilot on all my flights. Anyway, folks, I forgot to mention that I was late to the airport today.
6. All folks sitting on the window seat, may we kindly request you all to press your face against the window glass and let know all those bankrupt airlines that we have a full flight today.
7. The overhead lights will now be turned off. If you need light to read, please turn on the reading light. When you press the switch with the light bulb symbol, your lights will turn on. However, if you press the switch with the flight attendant symbol, the flight attendants are not turned on.
8. Alright folks, please keep your hands and heads inside the ride all the time, we are about to go really fast.

Soon after take-off - over the city of Phoenix.
9. There is a landmark on the right of the aircraft that you folks would be interested to see. Not yet... not yet... now - there it is - thats my house over there.
10. Whispers in microphone: Sleep... sleep..., you dont need juice... sleep... sleep... you arent thirsty.... sleep... you dont need peanuts.... peanuts give you gas....

After landing.
11. Thank you for flying with us. Remember - no one "luv"s you and your money more than us.